It's Official - He's Having an Affair

It's not like I'm surprised or anything, or that I even didn't suspect it, or that it even matters at this point. My abuser husband is so disgusting to me right now, I hope I never see his lying, cheating, fake face again.

Per my earlier post... last night when my husband was out until 4:15am I decided, just for the hell of it, to take inventory of his blue pills. There is no better evidence than that. So, this evening when I got home from work he was gone, but I noticed he had taken a shower and I could smell cologne in the air. I counted his blue pills: 1 is missing.

I know who he's seeing too, a female jazz violinist, whom he claims is an awful musician. Perfect match for him! At any rate, after I noticed the missing blue pill I called the girl's cell and didn't say anything; just blank air. Of course, since my husband is with her, I got a text from him soon after asking that I leave a copy of the automobile insurance policy for him to review so he can compare to the quote to what I paid (I told him to get his own insurance, that I'm not renewing with him or his four cars). He then said thanks. I texted back saying, "Please bring back the Viagra you took out with you tonight. Thanks." He didn't respond.

How did I ever think I could change his man? I was really, really dreaming that he would have the courage and insight to look inside himself, take an honest inventory, and be a partner. Instead, he's taken my soul, tossed it around his for his pleasure or pain, then cast me aside when I failed to conform to his absurd whims.

The man is narcissistic and abusive. I'm sorry I ever gave him my heart.

I'm actually doing okay. In some respects, I'm happy this nightmare is nearly over. In other respects, I'm still afraid. We still live in the same house.

God... please protect me and my son, and show us a safe, warm and affordable place to move.

Splitting the Furniture

Living Room
Couch -- J
Table -- J
TV -- J
Stereo --J
Dining Room
Table -- J
Sideboard -- J
Small table –A
Stools -- J
Kitchen
table --A
stools – J (?)
dishes/pots/pans – A & J
Utility
Washer --A
Dryer –A
Office
desk and chair –J
small file – J
other small file – A
couch -- A
Master Bedroom
Bed --J
Nightstand 1 -- J
Nightstand 2 -- A
TV and cabinet --A
Dresser (large) --A
Dresser (small) -- J
Other cabinet -- J
Second bedroom
Queen Bed --A
Piano -- J
Bookshelf -- A
Dresser -- A
Third Bedroom
All goes to A

Out Until 4:15 am

So last night my husband rolled in at 4:15 am. He's never stayed out that late and honestly, I think it's a bit bizarre for a man of his near-retirement age. I barely slept last night, wondering if and when he'd come home.

Yes, we are in separate bedrooms and yes, we've agreed to separate, but I wonder how he would react to me staying out that late. I'll bet his classic double standards would kick in and I'd be verbally and emotionally abused (and perhaps even physically abused) if I did.

I'm attempting to take the high road and use last night's outing to help ease my transition out of my hellish, married life and into the freedom of being single.

Is he staying out all night?

It's 1:11 am and my husband isn't home. He's never stayed out this late, or rarely. It is beginning to confirm my suspicions he has another woman/girl he's seeing. He does have a history of cheating, even with me, and this would explain his recent actions toward me.

I guess I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me. The only purpose this serves is to make it easier to move on and separate. What a dishonest, slimy asshole.

I've been temped to break into his emails since his February 11th outburst, but have held back. While a part of me, the desperately driven part of me, wants to know for sure about his infidelity, the other, more rational and centered part of me, says it's not worth the energy. My intuition and experience already tell me what's up, verified by him not being home tonight.

I pray for God to bring loving and kind people into my life.

Core Values and Incompatibility

I realized this morning when I woke up why my abuser husband and I are incompatible. His core relationship values are driven by power and control, which he obtains through fear and intimidation. My core relationship values are driven by equity and partnership, which I obtain through discussion and compromise.

So, we are both unhappy in this relationship. He wants all the power and takes advantage of my willingness to compromise. I want to talk and come to equitable terms but can only do so on HIS whims, and even then it’s not equitable.

My eyes are opening…