My husband hasn't spoken to me for six days (except to kick me out of the bedroom and announce to my son he's leaving). His silence, of course, was preempted by the intense and unprovoked rage (sound byte below) over me ruining his afternoon, which obviously is an excuse for some deeper control issue on his part. Today I have been thinking about how his silence is a form of abuse. In fact, it's a very effective form of abuse.
This treatment has caused me great sadness, depression, anxiety, inability to sleep, severe "walking on eggshells," crying, nervousness, hopelessness, and stress. I have had a huge knot in my stomach since last Friday.
Wow. Saying nothing after a rage, the silent treatment, is a form of abuse that is quite severe and effective. My abuser sure knows his tactics well.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Why Does He Do That?
I have been reading an excellent book on abuse entitled "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It's such an eye-opening read and completely hits home, describing the emotional abuse I've endured in my marriage. It helps to know I'm not alone.
What I'm having a problem with, however, is facing reality. Some of the stories in the book describe severe physical abuse; my physical incident was only once. And while much of the emotional abuse described rings true to my situation on a daily basis, I'm having a tough time admitting that's what's going on. In fact, just this morning I awoke and decided the best thing to do would be to call my husband's former wife and see if her twenty-year marriage consisted of the same sort of mind-boggling, anger-filled abuse tactics. It sure would help me to understand that I'm not crazy. Then again, maybe I am.
Oh hell... this really sucks.
What I'm having a problem with, however, is facing reality. Some of the stories in the book describe severe physical abuse; my physical incident was only once. And while much of the emotional abuse described rings true to my situation on a daily basis, I'm having a tough time admitting that's what's going on. In fact, just this morning I awoke and decided the best thing to do would be to call my husband's former wife and see if her twenty-year marriage consisted of the same sort of mind-boggling, anger-filled abuse tactics. It sure would help me to understand that I'm not crazy. Then again, maybe I am.
Oh hell... this really sucks.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Kicked Out of My Bedroom
It's 4:20 am and I can't sleep. I've been ordered to sleep in the spare bedroom until my husband moves out of our house in two weeks. Initially, the night before, when he laid this on me by ordering me to move out of our bedroom, clothes and all, I refused and told him if he doesn't want to sleep with me then he can sleep in the spare room. He did. But, the dilemma I faced by doing that was setting him off into an angry rage by not complying. So last night, when he angrily told my fifteen-year-old son, who lives with us, that he's filing for separation from me and moving into our other house (which we started remodeling and is in a state of disrepair), and that because I refuse to sleep in the spare room he has to move sooner(poor guy). I conceded and told him I would sleep in the spare room but I am NOT moving my things out of our bedroom for two weeks only to have to move them back when he leaves. The spare room, unlike the master bedroom, has a lock on the door, which is an excellent benefit.
This is really stressful. I have a huge knot in my stomach, am not sleeping well, and can't eat. I can't believe he's doing this, all prompted by the issue at the auto body shop (earlier post). Here's the thing... if I would try to talk with hm and say it's ridiculous he's divorcing me because I didn't make an appointment and "wasted his afternoon" as he contends, he would just say I don't get it and that's the problem. No, I don't get it; I have no clue why he's doing this. Don't normal people explain things to their spouse? Obviously, he's not normal.
He's done this before, and even slept in the spare room for four days once. Is he going to follow through on this divorce and moving out? Or is he, as he suggested once in a session with a couples therapist we saw a few times, waiting for me to come crawling back to him, jump in bed and sexually come on to him (which I absolutely won't do)? He really said last time he was sleeping in the spare room, that I should've done that.
Crazy making behavior from this man.
This is really stressful. I have a huge knot in my stomach, am not sleeping well, and can't eat. I can't believe he's doing this, all prompted by the issue at the auto body shop (earlier post). Here's the thing... if I would try to talk with hm and say it's ridiculous he's divorcing me because I didn't make an appointment and "wasted his afternoon" as he contends, he would just say I don't get it and that's the problem. No, I don't get it; I have no clue why he's doing this. Don't normal people explain things to their spouse? Obviously, he's not normal.
He's done this before, and even slept in the spare room for four days once. Is he going to follow through on this divorce and moving out? Or is he, as he suggested once in a session with a couples therapist we saw a few times, waiting for me to come crawling back to him, jump in bed and sexually come on to him (which I absolutely won't do)? He really said last time he was sleeping in the spare room, that I should've done that.
Crazy making behavior from this man.
Friday, February 11, 2011
The Auto Body Shop
So, today I decided to go have an auto body shop look at my car and hopefully get started fixing it. I was in a four car pileup last December, car #3, and the insurance company of the lady who started the pileup, car #1, is finally willing to pay for damages. I was given a few shops' names from the insurance and called one to see what they were like. It seemed good so I asked my husband, Mr. Asshole, if he'd go with me today to see about having them fix my car. The shop indicated when I previously called I didn't need an appointment.
So, Mr. Asshole followed me to the shop. Well no, he didn't follow me: he sped in front of me. While he didn't know exactly where I was going, just the general vicinity, my chosen route was obviously not good enough and he had to go his way. Like an idiot, I followed him. At any rate, we got to the shop and went inside. I consulted with a woman who asked if I had an appointment, and I said no; I was told on the phone I didn't need one. She asked about insurance and if I had an assignment sent over, and I said no. Well, Mr. Asshole got really pissed and stormed out of the shop. I thought he was angry at the shop because they couldn't help me right away, but I was wrong; he was pissed I hadn't made an appointment. I followed him to the car (again, my mistake) and he started yelling at me in front of a customer and another person who works in the front office (that person was looking at someone else's car). He was yelling that I wasted his afternoon but since I was there I should just deal with it and have them look at my car. Huh? Isn't that what we went there for? Ah... WTF?
He, Mr. Asshole, got in his car and sped off. So, I got in my car and sped off, whizzing by him while he was stopped at a light. I went to work and got my insurance information with the claim number then returned to the shop, but he probably thought I was going against his command to stay there and take care of the insurance deal.
A few minutes later I got a call from Mr. Asshole, screaming at the top of his lungs how I wasted his afternoon and that I'm so stubborn and he hates that about me, and blah, blah, blah. He was angry, angry, angry and screaming, screaming, screaming. (I'll try to upload the audio clip if I can.) I haven't heard from him since (which is totally cool).
I'm really not certain what set him off or what I did to provoke this. I feel the tide shifting and his anger growing and tension mounting. Fuck. I hate this.
I feel disappointed in myself for marrying an abusive asshole. I feel guilty for subjecting my son to this man's angry outbursts and mean treatment. I feel afraid of the impending anger from him. I feel sad my son and I are living with a person who has us (or me) walking on eggshells.
As much as I say I don't care and how much of an asshole he is, the truth of the matter is I'm sad. My dream of finding a partner with whom I can share life's laughter and tears has turned into a nightmare as I realize I found the wrong partner: a narcissistic abuser.
I feel trapped. I feel scared. I feel overwhelmed.
So, Mr. Asshole followed me to the shop. Well no, he didn't follow me: he sped in front of me. While he didn't know exactly where I was going, just the general vicinity, my chosen route was obviously not good enough and he had to go his way. Like an idiot, I followed him. At any rate, we got to the shop and went inside. I consulted with a woman who asked if I had an appointment, and I said no; I was told on the phone I didn't need one. She asked about insurance and if I had an assignment sent over, and I said no. Well, Mr. Asshole got really pissed and stormed out of the shop. I thought he was angry at the shop because they couldn't help me right away, but I was wrong; he was pissed I hadn't made an appointment. I followed him to the car (again, my mistake) and he started yelling at me in front of a customer and another person who works in the front office (that person was looking at someone else's car). He was yelling that I wasted his afternoon but since I was there I should just deal with it and have them look at my car. Huh? Isn't that what we went there for? Ah... WTF?
He, Mr. Asshole, got in his car and sped off. So, I got in my car and sped off, whizzing by him while he was stopped at a light. I went to work and got my insurance information with the claim number then returned to the shop, but he probably thought I was going against his command to stay there and take care of the insurance deal.
A few minutes later I got a call from Mr. Asshole, screaming at the top of his lungs how I wasted his afternoon and that I'm so stubborn and he hates that about me, and blah, blah, blah. He was angry, angry, angry and screaming, screaming, screaming. (I'll try to upload the audio clip if I can.) I haven't heard from him since (which is totally cool).
I'm really not certain what set him off or what I did to provoke this. I feel the tide shifting and his anger growing and tension mounting. Fuck. I hate this.
I feel disappointed in myself for marrying an abusive asshole. I feel guilty for subjecting my son to this man's angry outbursts and mean treatment. I feel afraid of the impending anger from him. I feel sad my son and I are living with a person who has us (or me) walking on eggshells.
As much as I say I don't care and how much of an asshole he is, the truth of the matter is I'm sad. My dream of finding a partner with whom I can share life's laughter and tears has turned into a nightmare as I realize I found the wrong partner: a narcissistic abuser.
I feel trapped. I feel scared. I feel overwhelmed.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Today I See a Therapist!
Well, I've finally been able to get an appointment with a therapist who deals in woman's abuse. I'm a little scared about it all, but I know I have to go in a talk with her. I contacted this facility last August when things were really, really bad with my husband and his emotional abuse. It's now the end of January.
The abuse phase is okay right now. He's not blatantly mean or abusive, or outside of the realm I've learned to live with. Oh, there are small incidents that arise, but it's not severe.
We are remodeling our other home so we can move back in. Last Saturday evening I asked my husband if John, the guy who's helping us and giving advice, knew what he was talking about. The week prior John had told me something about our kitchen cabinets that didn't seem to make sense. Last Saturday he contradicted what he had said the week before. So yes, I was questioning John's abilities. So what. My husband got really, really pissed and asked what I wanted done with the kitchen. I explained it wasn't about what I wanted done with the kitchen, it was about what John was saying and recommending regarding the cabinets. He again pushed in an angry tone asking what I wanted done and telling me I always change my mind and question things (I think he yelled that). I left the room.
I went to the spare bedroom and slipped under the covers. My husband opened the door and started yelling at me (previously he had been yelling at me from downstairs, expecting me to run to him, but I ignored). He yelled and uttered some bullshit crap and said I should apologize, and that's what's wrong with me - I never apologize for things. What the fuck for? I said, "What? You want me to apologize for questioning whether John knows what he's talking about?" He's out of his fucking mind! Well, he realized that was stupid so then he all of a sudden apologized to me, kissed me and left for his symphony gig.
I swear the man is an emotional midget. Oh, that's besides being controlling, self-centered, narcissistic, and mean.
Wow. Why did I ever marry him? And, why can't I leave?
The abuse phase is okay right now. He's not blatantly mean or abusive, or outside of the realm I've learned to live with. Oh, there are small incidents that arise, but it's not severe.
We are remodeling our other home so we can move back in. Last Saturday evening I asked my husband if John, the guy who's helping us and giving advice, knew what he was talking about. The week prior John had told me something about our kitchen cabinets that didn't seem to make sense. Last Saturday he contradicted what he had said the week before. So yes, I was questioning John's abilities. So what. My husband got really, really pissed and asked what I wanted done with the kitchen. I explained it wasn't about what I wanted done with the kitchen, it was about what John was saying and recommending regarding the cabinets. He again pushed in an angry tone asking what I wanted done and telling me I always change my mind and question things (I think he yelled that). I left the room.
I went to the spare bedroom and slipped under the covers. My husband opened the door and started yelling at me (previously he had been yelling at me from downstairs, expecting me to run to him, but I ignored). He yelled and uttered some bullshit crap and said I should apologize, and that's what's wrong with me - I never apologize for things. What the fuck for? I said, "What? You want me to apologize for questioning whether John knows what he's talking about?" He's out of his fucking mind! Well, he realized that was stupid so then he all of a sudden apologized to me, kissed me and left for his symphony gig.
I swear the man is an emotional midget. Oh, that's besides being controlling, self-centered, narcissistic, and mean.
Wow. Why did I ever marry him? And, why can't I leave?
Saturday, November 6, 2010
abuse du jour
Today's abuse is... well, it's not that I want to focus on it or wallow in it, but I think it's important that I write down these incidents so I can reread, recall, and remember when things are going well and my abuser, AKA my husband, is in the happy phase of his abusive behavior. I've found this phase nearly as, if not more, difficult to deal with as the blatant abuse phase. When it's in my face, it's easy to point out and realize I need to leave. When he's nice (or as nice as he can be, especially when he wants others to see how "wonderful" he treats me) it's hard to not fall into his trap.
So, today he had a cars and coffee event and had asked me last weekend if I wanted to go and drive one of his collector cars. I balked a bit saying I wouldn't know anyone, and he asked what else I had to do. I thought about it and realized I didn't have much else going on on a Saturday morning so decided I would go. I informed him last night I was going and he didn't seem too thrilled about it, but oh well. He told me this morning I should drive the Miata because a guy was interested in trading for another car. Fine. I drove the Miata and took plenty of reading material. I arrived about 9:45a and hung out for a while talking with various car club members, but mostly reading textbooks I'm considering using for a class I'm teaching. When noontime rolled around and people started leaving my husband came up to me and said I might as well leave, that the guy who was interested in the car didn't want it. I didn't leave though; I hung around longer. About ten minutes later he came up to where I was reading and asked if I wanted to go have lunch and I said yes, but needed to check and see what my son was doing. He walked about, obviously not serious about lunch. Right around 12:25p my husband approached me again and said I might as well leave. Hmmm... I should've known he was trying to get rid of me.
A few minutes later I saw an Asian woman walk up to the shop and stop outside and ask someone something. Wait. It was Jai Rung (or whatever the hell her name is), a colleague of my husband's. What the fuck was she doing there? She walked inside and looked at me right away and said hello. I nodded then sat and watched as my husband came up, pulled her away from the area I was at. I could see out the windows he took her over to see his car (she's seen it before; come on) then walked her around the back of the building. They then appeared and I heard him introducing her to people and saying they were going to work on her Honda.
I grabbed my stuff and took it to the car. I was going to leave without saying anything but decided to call my son first to see what he needed. My husband came up to me while I was on the phone asking what was up. What a dumb shit. I told him nastily to hold on. Then I went inside, went to the bathroom, got in my car and left while him and the Korean woman watched me drive off. I didn't say a word. She said good-bye to me and I barely lifted my hand to wave.
What a fucking jerk. My husband had no reason to hide the fact that she was coming. He had no reason to keep telling me to leave. Unless, of course, there's something going on between those two that he wanted to hide from me. Obviously, he didn't want me to know she was coming and that he had plans with her.
Yes, he wanted to hide it from me. What an asshole.
I was feeling really great today. I just had my boobs redone last week and am finally happy about the size (another story). My husband is such an abusive jerk that he has only commented on how big they are, implying they're too big (they're not). I finally asked him this morning if he liked them and he said yes, they look great. He claims his main concern is he doesn't want me to be in pain anymore, which I think is only so he doesn't have to hear me tell him when I'm in pain. I know his concern for my feelings or physical well-being are minimal, if non-existent.
Well, that's today's abuse du jour... stay tuned for more.
So, today he had a cars and coffee event and had asked me last weekend if I wanted to go and drive one of his collector cars. I balked a bit saying I wouldn't know anyone, and he asked what else I had to do. I thought about it and realized I didn't have much else going on on a Saturday morning so decided I would go. I informed him last night I was going and he didn't seem too thrilled about it, but oh well. He told me this morning I should drive the Miata because a guy was interested in trading for another car. Fine. I drove the Miata and took plenty of reading material. I arrived about 9:45a and hung out for a while talking with various car club members, but mostly reading textbooks I'm considering using for a class I'm teaching. When noontime rolled around and people started leaving my husband came up to me and said I might as well leave, that the guy who was interested in the car didn't want it. I didn't leave though; I hung around longer. About ten minutes later he came up to where I was reading and asked if I wanted to go have lunch and I said yes, but needed to check and see what my son was doing. He walked about, obviously not serious about lunch. Right around 12:25p my husband approached me again and said I might as well leave. Hmmm... I should've known he was trying to get rid of me.
A few minutes later I saw an Asian woman walk up to the shop and stop outside and ask someone something. Wait. It was Jai Rung (or whatever the hell her name is), a colleague of my husband's. What the fuck was she doing there? She walked inside and looked at me right away and said hello. I nodded then sat and watched as my husband came up, pulled her away from the area I was at. I could see out the windows he took her over to see his car (she's seen it before; come on) then walked her around the back of the building. They then appeared and I heard him introducing her to people and saying they were going to work on her Honda.
I grabbed my stuff and took it to the car. I was going to leave without saying anything but decided to call my son first to see what he needed. My husband came up to me while I was on the phone asking what was up. What a dumb shit. I told him nastily to hold on. Then I went inside, went to the bathroom, got in my car and left while him and the Korean woman watched me drive off. I didn't say a word. She said good-bye to me and I barely lifted my hand to wave.
What a fucking jerk. My husband had no reason to hide the fact that she was coming. He had no reason to keep telling me to leave. Unless, of course, there's something going on between those two that he wanted to hide from me. Obviously, he didn't want me to know she was coming and that he had plans with her.
Yes, he wanted to hide it from me. What an asshole.
I was feeling really great today. I just had my boobs redone last week and am finally happy about the size (another story). My husband is such an abusive jerk that he has only commented on how big they are, implying they're too big (they're not). I finally asked him this morning if he liked them and he said yes, they look great. He claims his main concern is he doesn't want me to be in pain anymore, which I think is only so he doesn't have to hear me tell him when I'm in pain. I know his concern for my feelings or physical well-being are minimal, if non-existent.
Well, that's today's abuse du jour... stay tuned for more.
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