Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I know I haven't posted in a while. I've just been focusing on work and delving into new projects. I'd rather do that than think about all this crap.

On April 16 I signed a lease for my own home. I'm supposed to begin paying rent on May 15. I say "supposed to" because the morning I went home after signing the lease my husband suddenly changed his tune and said I should move with him. This was the very first attempt he's made at reconciling after throwing me out of the bedroom over two months earlier. WTF? As soon as I make plans to leave he wants me back.

This is not good.

I want to say that he's been very nice to me since I signed the lease, but in reality he hasn't been nice: the truth is he hasn't been mean to me. Those really are two different things. While I've expressed my intent to move forward with renting the house, I'm struggling with this decision. I believe two things are holding me back: fear and lack of approval from my abuser husband.

Fear
I'm afraid of making the wrong decision and that I may move away and regret it when loneliness takes over. In some respects, I wonder if this is as good as it gets, that maybe I should just settle for a man who's emotionally abusive to me and my son because I won't find anything else.

I'm also afraid of being alone. What if I'm overcome with loneliness? What if I don't have anything to do on weekends? What if I sink into depression over this?

I'm also afraid of being single again. I like be married, only I wish it was to someone who respected me and treated me kindly and listened to me.

And I'm afraid of being afraid. What if I am making the wrong decision?

I'm afraid of ending the relationship. My husband has point-blank told me that living in separate houses will cause us to drift apart and that we won't have each other to be accountable to (whatever the hell that means). So, essentially, I'm ending the relationship if I move. I am afraid to do this. I think my fear stems from when my mom ended her marriage with my dad: he killed himself. Yes, he called and asked if he could move home one night and she said no. So, he killed himself. Ick. I don't need that sorta shit on me.

I'm also afraid that if I move he'll find someone else. While I know he's trolled for dates since booting me out of the bedroom in February, I don't believe he's been successful. After all, he's not the youngster he once was. But, if I'll have him so will someone else. He knows how to lay on the charm to win someone over, and I believe he can't exist without having a woman to control, so I can pretty much be assured he'll find someone else.

Need For Approval
When I took my abuser husband to the house this weekend and he said he understood why I want to live there and that he thinks my son and I should move, I felt good knowing he approved. But then I started feeling afraid that he didn't really approve and was just telling me that.

I've been the one to divert decisions to my husband. After all, he's the more "powerful" in the relationship. And, when I've made a decision and it hasn't turned out correctly, he's given me a boatload of shit about it. He blames me for all the bad stuff in our marriage, so of course I'm afraid to make a decision.

So, I'm really in stress right now over what to do. I have a headache from thinking about this. I want to move but am afraid. My head says, "Yes!" but my heart says, "No!"