My First Step Toward Separation

Today I did something so incredibly difficult; I took my first step toward separation from my husband, who has become so emotionally abusive lately, I can hardly stand it. My step: I transferred mine and my son's cell phone numbers out of his account and into my own.

I feel both scared and a burden gently lifting, a glimmer of freedom, after doing this. My fear is this move may prompt further and more intense abuse as he sees me not caving into his emotional blackmail tactics. My freedom, and it's very slight, is that I don't have the stress of worrying if he'll disconnect or take away my precious communication device. Right now I need my phone more than anything, and I am happy to know he no longer has control over it.

The other issue is realty: this is REALLY happening. We are splitting up.

Big scary step for me. Whew.

Why is it so hard to leave an abuser?

I'm having such a difficult time letting go of my abuser husband. He's a complete jerk, hasn't spoken to me in two weeks, and is the most difficult, mean person I've ever lived with. Yet leaving and ending our marriage is incredibly sad to me. I should be happy and celebrating I'll be free from his abuse, but I'm not.

He obviously has no respect for me, but somehow, in some stupid way, I keep hoping he'll call and say he's sorry for hurting me (never has once in our nine years together, so not sure why he would now), and that he wants to make things right and will do whatever it takes.

Wow. I am dreaming.

"I didn't know I had to set an appointment."

Last night was very depressing for me. I came home after work and laid on my bed all night, felling very depressed. I left my bedroom door open in hopes my soon-to-be x-husband would come talk to me; maybe invite me out to dinner to talk about things. Instead, he came home, rummaged through the kitchen cupboards, then left, obviously to have dinner on his own.  I was so disappointed (and stupid for even thinking he'd want to talk).

This morning I walked in the master bedroom to get something, and Mr. Asshole (abuser, husband, jerk, etc) was awake. I stopped at the foot of the bed and said, "Are you ever going to talk to me?" He rolled his eyes and cruelly replied, "I didn't know I needed to set an appointment."

I was taken aback by his cold, cruel reply, firing it off after just waking up. I didn't know what to say so I left the room. Crying, I angrily stepped back in and told him he's destroying me and he's very successful at it. I so regret going back in and doing that. Next time, if there ever is a next time, I need to keep my emotions and anger under wrap.

I got in my car and took my son to school. I was soooooooo angry at this jerk's meanness; he has no end to it. He hasn't spoken to me in thirteen days, after raging at me, and he continues to treat me like shit. He's an asshole with MAJOR psychological problems. I'm so done with him and his abuse.

Right now, I hate him.

Questions

Okay... I know he, my husband, wouldn't be abusing me if he was nice, but can't he just give it, the meanness, up for a moment and be real? Does every waking moment/interaction with me have to be a game?

And further... why can't I just tell him to go f*$k himself? Instead, I hang on - hoping, waiting, believing he'll change, all the while ingesting the pain and hurt he's tossing my way.

My God... how on earth did I fall into this situation?

Feeling So Alone

My fifteen-year-old son is sleeping at a friend's house tonight, which means I'll be home alone with my silent-treatment, intimidating, abusive husband, or soon-to-be x-husband. I am NOT looking  forward to heading home.

I've been hanging out at work all day, all alone. This place is deserted, closed for the holiday weekend. I've called a few girlfriends to see if they want to meet for a drink but nobody has gotten back to me. I feel so alone, so stripped of my strength and vigor.

I don't know if I can live like this, a single woman. I feel lost. Maybe I should crawl back and grovel to my abuser, beg his forgiveness for the indiscretions I've committed against him. No matter it's still a mystery to me what sins I've committed to provoke and induce his anger and abuse, but perhaps the begging would alleviate my current emotional pain by getting him to like me again, if only for a while.

I know this is ridiculous, the thought of begging my abuser to take me back. But my pain and loneliness isn't ridiculous; I'm feeling desperate and looking for relief. I hope I find it soon.

UPDATE: a girlfriend just called and we're getting together soon. No begging tonight...

The Silent Treatment

My husband hasn't spoken to me for six days (except to kick me out of the bedroom and announce to my son he's leaving). His silence, of course, was preempted by the intense and unprovoked rage (sound byte below) over me ruining his afternoon, which obviously is an excuse for some deeper control issue on his part. Today I have been thinking about how his silence is a form of abuse. In fact, it's a very effective form of abuse.

This treatment has caused me great sadness, depression, anxiety, inability to sleep, severe "walking on eggshells," crying, nervousness, hopelessness, and stress. I have had a huge knot in my stomach since last Friday.

Wow. Saying nothing after a rage, the silent treatment, is a form of abuse that is quite severe and effective. My abuser sure knows his tactics well.

Why Does He Do That?

I have been reading an excellent book on abuse entitled "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It's such an eye-opening read and completely hits home, describing the emotional abuse I've endured in my marriage. It helps to know I'm not alone.

What I'm having a problem with, however, is facing reality. Some of the stories in the book describe severe physical abuse; my physical incident was only once. And while much of the emotional abuse described rings true to my situation on a daily basis, I'm having a tough time admitting that's what's going on. In fact, just this morning I awoke and decided the best thing to do would be to call my husband's former wife and see if her twenty-year marriage consisted of the same sort of mind-boggling, anger-filled abuse tactics. It sure would help me to understand that I'm not crazy. Then again, maybe I am.

Oh hell... this really sucks.

Kicked Out of My Bedroom

It's 4:20 am and I can't sleep. I've been ordered to sleep in the spare bedroom until my husband moves out of our house in two weeks. Initially, the night before, when he laid this on me by ordering me to move out of our bedroom, clothes and all, I refused and told him if he doesn't want to sleep with me then he can sleep in the spare room. He did. But, the dilemma I faced by doing that was setting him off into an angry rage by not complying. So last night, when he angrily told my fifteen-year-old son, who lives with us, that he's filing for separation from me and moving into our other house (which we started remodeling and is in a state of disrepair), and that because I refuse to sleep in the spare room he has to move sooner(poor guy). I conceded and told him I would sleep in the spare room but I am NOT moving my things out of our bedroom for two weeks only to have to move them back when he leaves. The spare room, unlike the master bedroom, has a lock on the door, which is an excellent benefit.

This is really stressful. I have a huge knot in my stomach, am not sleeping well, and can't eat. I can't believe he's doing this, all prompted by the issue at the auto body shop (earlier post). Here's the thing... if I would try to talk with hm and say it's ridiculous he's divorcing me because I didn't make an appointment and "wasted his afternoon" as he contends, he would just say I don't get it and that's the problem. No, I don't get it; I have no clue why he's doing this. Don't normal people explain things to their spouse? Obviously, he's not normal.

He's done this before, and even slept in the spare room for four days once. Is he going to follow through on this divorce and moving out? Or is he, as he suggested once in a session with a couples therapist we saw a few times, waiting for me to come crawling back to him, jump in bed and sexually come on to him (which I absolutely won't do)? He really said last time he was sleeping in the spare room, that I should've done that.

Crazy making behavior from this man.

The Voicemail

                                               

                              

The Auto Body Shop

So, today I decided to go have an auto body shop look at my car and hopefully get started fixing it. I was in a four car pileup last December, car #3, and the insurance company of the lady who started the pileup, car #1, is finally willing to pay for damages. I was given a few shops' names from the insurance and called one to see what they were like. It seemed good so I asked my husband, Mr. Asshole, if he'd go with me today to see about having them fix my car. The shop indicated when I previously called I didn't need an appointment.

So, Mr. Asshole followed me to the shop. Well no, he didn't follow me: he sped in front of me. While he didn't know exactly where I was going, just the general vicinity, my chosen route was obviously not good enough and he had to go his way. Like an idiot, I followed him. At any rate, we got to the shop and went inside. I consulted with a woman who asked if I had an appointment, and I said no; I was told on the phone I didn't need one. She asked about insurance and if I had an assignment sent over, and I said no. Well, Mr. Asshole got really pissed and stormed out of the shop. I thought he was angry at the shop because they couldn't help me right away, but I was wrong; he was pissed I hadn't made an appointment. I followed him to the car (again, my mistake) and he started yelling at me in front of a customer and another person who works in the front office (that person was looking at someone else's car). He was yelling that I wasted his afternoon but since I was there I should just deal with it and have them look at my car. Huh? Isn't that what we went there for? Ah... WTF?

He, Mr. Asshole, got in his car and sped off. So, I got in my car and sped off, whizzing by him while he was stopped at a light. I went to work and got my insurance information with the claim number then returned to the shop, but he probably thought I was going against his command to stay there and take care of the insurance deal.

A few minutes later I got a call from Mr. Asshole, screaming at the top of his lungs how I wasted his afternoon and that I'm so stubborn and he hates that about me, and blah, blah, blah. He was angry, angry, angry and screaming, screaming, screaming. (I'll try to upload the audio clip if I can.) I haven't heard from him since (which is totally cool).

I'm really not certain what set him off or what I did to provoke this. I feel the tide shifting and his anger growing and tension mounting. Fuck. I hate this.

I feel disappointed in myself for marrying an abusive asshole. I feel guilty for subjecting my son to this man's angry outbursts and mean treatment. I feel afraid of the impending anger from him. I feel sad my son and I are living with a person who has us (or me) walking on eggshells.

As much as I say I don't care and how much of an asshole he is, the truth of the matter is I'm sad. My dream of finding a partner with whom I can share life's laughter and tears has turned into a nightmare as I realize I found the wrong partner: a narcissistic abuser.

I feel trapped. I feel scared. I feel overwhelmed.