Abandonded in Arizona

Okay... so I should've known better than to hitch a ride to AZ with him for Thanksgiving. I really didn't even want to go but he sorta pushed it. He said his friend's wife, Gail, would come over and feed my dogs so it seemed like all was working out. And he wanted to hang out at his brother's awesome, custom home (even though his brother wouldn't be there). And, he offered to drive his Prius over so it would be minimal cost for gas.

Initially, my son didn't want to go because he didn't want to be around him. He HATES him. He then agreed because he wanted to hang out with my sister's daughter, his cousin. Cool.

So, Wednesday morning we, my son and I, drive to his house, park my car, load up his, and off we go to Arizona. The drive over was uneventful, however, he and my son exchanged few, if any words. We stopped for gas and food and my son heard him ask if we, my sister and me, had figured out where to eat Thanksgiving dinner. I told him no, not yet. I could tell he was completely irritated by that. In fact, I could tell his irritation and anger had started brewing a day or two earlier.

Red flag.

My son overheard him ask about Thanksgiving dinner and told me, when he (abuser) was in a store buying a drink that he refused to eat dinner with him and that he's not part of our family and he's going to call him on his shit. I told him we'd talk about it later, after we got to my sister's house.

For the rest of the drive my son stared making comments that called my abuser on his shit, which made me uncomfortable because I knew it would cause more pressure and an eventual outburst. For instance, we first stopped at my abuser's brother's house so he could get the house key from the guard shack, and he almost turned in the wrong entrance to the closed community. My son commented from the back seat that when I did that last year my abuser got really angry at me for nearly taking the wrong turn. Nobody said anything, but my son was completely right. (I had forgotten about that.)

I sent my son a text while were driving and he told me he HATES him and isn't going to put up with my abuser's shit. I then had a premonition of my abuser blowing up, getting angry and leaving us stranded in Arizona. I told myself if he did that I would NEVER talk to him again. I also felt very stressed because I knew it was a very real possibility.

Thanksgiving evening my abuser got angry because my sister and I didn't want to eat at the restaurant we had gone to (buffet didn't look good). He sat in the courtyard outside the restaurant, people milling around, and wouldn't leave. My son went up to him and said, "Where do you get off choosing where we get to eat?" My abuser raged. He started shouting at my son (in public, mind you) that he's nothing but a "dope smoker" and a "prick" and other uncomplimentary verbally abusive things as he was walking toward his car. My son followed him and told him he's an asshole, to which he replied, "Tell my something I don't already know. Find your own way home." He got in his car and sped off.

We all stood there, stunned over what had just happened. I said I knew this was going to happen (due to earlier premonition) and my son asked if I thought it was his fault. I said no, absolutely not. We walked across the street to a steak house and had Thanksgiving dinner there.

Just after getting seated I got a text from my abuser husband that said: "I'm going back home tonight and filing for divorce on Monday. You've lost it, our marriage and any hope for a success [sic] future with Adam."

This is it. I am never talking to that man again.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I know I haven't posted in a while. I've just been focusing on work and delving into new projects. I'd rather do that than think about all this crap.

On April 16 I signed a lease for my own home. I'm supposed to begin paying rent on May 15. I say "supposed to" because the morning I went home after signing the lease my husband suddenly changed his tune and said I should move with him. This was the very first attempt he's made at reconciling after throwing me out of the bedroom over two months earlier. WTF? As soon as I make plans to leave he wants me back.

This is not good.

I want to say that he's been very nice to me since I signed the lease, but in reality he hasn't been nice: the truth is he hasn't been mean to me. Those really are two different things. While I've expressed my intent to move forward with renting the house, I'm struggling with this decision. I believe two things are holding me back: fear and lack of approval from my abuser husband.

Fear
I'm afraid of making the wrong decision and that I may move away and regret it when loneliness takes over. In some respects, I wonder if this is as good as it gets, that maybe I should just settle for a man who's emotionally abusive to me and my son because I won't find anything else.

I'm also afraid of being alone. What if I'm overcome with loneliness? What if I don't have anything to do on weekends? What if I sink into depression over this?

I'm also afraid of being single again. I like be married, only I wish it was to someone who respected me and treated me kindly and listened to me.

And I'm afraid of being afraid. What if I am making the wrong decision?

I'm afraid of ending the relationship. My husband has point-blank told me that living in separate houses will cause us to drift apart and that we won't have each other to be accountable to (whatever the hell that means). So, essentially, I'm ending the relationship if I move. I am afraid to do this. I think my fear stems from when my mom ended her marriage with my dad: he killed himself. Yes, he called and asked if he could move home one night and she said no. So, he killed himself. Ick. I don't need that sorta shit on me.

I'm also afraid that if I move he'll find someone else. While I know he's trolled for dates since booting me out of the bedroom in February, I don't believe he's been successful. After all, he's not the youngster he once was. But, if I'll have him so will someone else. He knows how to lay on the charm to win someone over, and I believe he can't exist without having a woman to control, so I can pretty much be assured he'll find someone else.

Need For Approval
When I took my abuser husband to the house this weekend and he said he understood why I want to live there and that he thinks my son and I should move, I felt good knowing he approved. But then I started feeling afraid that he didn't really approve and was just telling me that.

I've been the one to divert decisions to my husband. After all, he's the more "powerful" in the relationship. And, when I've made a decision and it hasn't turned out correctly, he's given me a boatload of shit about it. He blames me for all the bad stuff in our marriage, so of course I'm afraid to make a decision.

So, I'm really in stress right now over what to do. I have a headache from thinking about this. I want to move but am afraid. My head says, "Yes!" but my heart says, "No!"

It's Official - He's Having an Affair

It's not like I'm surprised or anything, or that I even didn't suspect it, or that it even matters at this point. My abuser husband is so disgusting to me right now, I hope I never see his lying, cheating, fake face again.

Per my earlier post... last night when my husband was out until 4:15am I decided, just for the hell of it, to take inventory of his blue pills. There is no better evidence than that. So, this evening when I got home from work he was gone, but I noticed he had taken a shower and I could smell cologne in the air. I counted his blue pills: 1 is missing.

I know who he's seeing too, a female jazz violinist, whom he claims is an awful musician. Perfect match for him! At any rate, after I noticed the missing blue pill I called the girl's cell and didn't say anything; just blank air. Of course, since my husband is with her, I got a text from him soon after asking that I leave a copy of the automobile insurance policy for him to review so he can compare to the quote to what I paid (I told him to get his own insurance, that I'm not renewing with him or his four cars). He then said thanks. I texted back saying, "Please bring back the Viagra you took out with you tonight. Thanks." He didn't respond.

How did I ever think I could change his man? I was really, really dreaming that he would have the courage and insight to look inside himself, take an honest inventory, and be a partner. Instead, he's taken my soul, tossed it around his for his pleasure or pain, then cast me aside when I failed to conform to his absurd whims.

The man is narcissistic and abusive. I'm sorry I ever gave him my heart.

I'm actually doing okay. In some respects, I'm happy this nightmare is nearly over. In other respects, I'm still afraid. We still live in the same house.

God... please protect me and my son, and show us a safe, warm and affordable place to move.

Splitting the Furniture

Living Room
Couch -- J
Table -- J
TV -- J
Stereo --J
Dining Room
Table -- J
Sideboard -- J
Small table –A
Stools -- J
Kitchen
table --A
stools – J (?)
dishes/pots/pans – A & J
Utility
Washer --A
Dryer –A
Office
desk and chair –J
small file – J
other small file – A
couch -- A
Master Bedroom
Bed --J
Nightstand 1 -- J
Nightstand 2 -- A
TV and cabinet --A
Dresser (large) --A
Dresser (small) -- J
Other cabinet -- J
Second bedroom
Queen Bed --A
Piano -- J
Bookshelf -- A
Dresser -- A
Third Bedroom
All goes to A

Out Until 4:15 am

So last night my husband rolled in at 4:15 am. He's never stayed out that late and honestly, I think it's a bit bizarre for a man of his near-retirement age. I barely slept last night, wondering if and when he'd come home.

Yes, we are in separate bedrooms and yes, we've agreed to separate, but I wonder how he would react to me staying out that late. I'll bet his classic double standards would kick in and I'd be verbally and emotionally abused (and perhaps even physically abused) if I did.

I'm attempting to take the high road and use last night's outing to help ease my transition out of my hellish, married life and into the freedom of being single.

Is he staying out all night?

It's 1:11 am and my husband isn't home. He's never stayed out this late, or rarely. It is beginning to confirm my suspicions he has another woman/girl he's seeing. He does have a history of cheating, even with me, and this would explain his recent actions toward me.

I guess I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me. The only purpose this serves is to make it easier to move on and separate. What a dishonest, slimy asshole.

I've been temped to break into his emails since his February 11th outburst, but have held back. While a part of me, the desperately driven part of me, wants to know for sure about his infidelity, the other, more rational and centered part of me, says it's not worth the energy. My intuition and experience already tell me what's up, verified by him not being home tonight.

I pray for God to bring loving and kind people into my life.

Core Values and Incompatibility

I realized this morning when I woke up why my abuser husband and I are incompatible. His core relationship values are driven by power and control, which he obtains through fear and intimidation. My core relationship values are driven by equity and partnership, which I obtain through discussion and compromise.

So, we are both unhappy in this relationship. He wants all the power and takes advantage of my willingness to compromise. I want to talk and come to equitable terms but can only do so on HIS whims, and even then it’s not equitable.

My eyes are opening…

My First Step Toward Separation

Today I did something so incredibly difficult; I took my first step toward separation from my husband, who has become so emotionally abusive lately, I can hardly stand it. My step: I transferred mine and my son's cell phone numbers out of his account and into my own.

I feel both scared and a burden gently lifting, a glimmer of freedom, after doing this. My fear is this move may prompt further and more intense abuse as he sees me not caving into his emotional blackmail tactics. My freedom, and it's very slight, is that I don't have the stress of worrying if he'll disconnect or take away my precious communication device. Right now I need my phone more than anything, and I am happy to know he no longer has control over it.

The other issue is realty: this is REALLY happening. We are splitting up.

Big scary step for me. Whew.

Why is it so hard to leave an abuser?

I'm having such a difficult time letting go of my abuser husband. He's a complete jerk, hasn't spoken to me in two weeks, and is the most difficult, mean person I've ever lived with. Yet leaving and ending our marriage is incredibly sad to me. I should be happy and celebrating I'll be free from his abuse, but I'm not.

He obviously has no respect for me, but somehow, in some stupid way, I keep hoping he'll call and say he's sorry for hurting me (never has once in our nine years together, so not sure why he would now), and that he wants to make things right and will do whatever it takes.

Wow. I am dreaming.

"I didn't know I had to set an appointment."

Last night was very depressing for me. I came home after work and laid on my bed all night, felling very depressed. I left my bedroom door open in hopes my soon-to-be x-husband would come talk to me; maybe invite me out to dinner to talk about things. Instead, he came home, rummaged through the kitchen cupboards, then left, obviously to have dinner on his own.  I was so disappointed (and stupid for even thinking he'd want to talk).

This morning I walked in the master bedroom to get something, and Mr. Asshole (abuser, husband, jerk, etc) was awake. I stopped at the foot of the bed and said, "Are you ever going to talk to me?" He rolled his eyes and cruelly replied, "I didn't know I needed to set an appointment."

I was taken aback by his cold, cruel reply, firing it off after just waking up. I didn't know what to say so I left the room. Crying, I angrily stepped back in and told him he's destroying me and he's very successful at it. I so regret going back in and doing that. Next time, if there ever is a next time, I need to keep my emotions and anger under wrap.

I got in my car and took my son to school. I was soooooooo angry at this jerk's meanness; he has no end to it. He hasn't spoken to me in thirteen days, after raging at me, and he continues to treat me like shit. He's an asshole with MAJOR psychological problems. I'm so done with him and his abuse.

Right now, I hate him.

Questions

Okay... I know he, my husband, wouldn't be abusing me if he was nice, but can't he just give it, the meanness, up for a moment and be real? Does every waking moment/interaction with me have to be a game?

And further... why can't I just tell him to go f*$k himself? Instead, I hang on - hoping, waiting, believing he'll change, all the while ingesting the pain and hurt he's tossing my way.

My God... how on earth did I fall into this situation?

Feeling So Alone

My fifteen-year-old son is sleeping at a friend's house tonight, which means I'll be home alone with my silent-treatment, intimidating, abusive husband, or soon-to-be x-husband. I am NOT looking  forward to heading home.

I've been hanging out at work all day, all alone. This place is deserted, closed for the holiday weekend. I've called a few girlfriends to see if they want to meet for a drink but nobody has gotten back to me. I feel so alone, so stripped of my strength and vigor.

I don't know if I can live like this, a single woman. I feel lost. Maybe I should crawl back and grovel to my abuser, beg his forgiveness for the indiscretions I've committed against him. No matter it's still a mystery to me what sins I've committed to provoke and induce his anger and abuse, but perhaps the begging would alleviate my current emotional pain by getting him to like me again, if only for a while.

I know this is ridiculous, the thought of begging my abuser to take me back. But my pain and loneliness isn't ridiculous; I'm feeling desperate and looking for relief. I hope I find it soon.

UPDATE: a girlfriend just called and we're getting together soon. No begging tonight...

The Silent Treatment

My husband hasn't spoken to me for six days (except to kick me out of the bedroom and announce to my son he's leaving). His silence, of course, was preempted by the intense and unprovoked rage (sound byte below) over me ruining his afternoon, which obviously is an excuse for some deeper control issue on his part. Today I have been thinking about how his silence is a form of abuse. In fact, it's a very effective form of abuse.

This treatment has caused me great sadness, depression, anxiety, inability to sleep, severe "walking on eggshells," crying, nervousness, hopelessness, and stress. I have had a huge knot in my stomach since last Friday.

Wow. Saying nothing after a rage, the silent treatment, is a form of abuse that is quite severe and effective. My abuser sure knows his tactics well.

Why Does He Do That?

I have been reading an excellent book on abuse entitled "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It's such an eye-opening read and completely hits home, describing the emotional abuse I've endured in my marriage. It helps to know I'm not alone.

What I'm having a problem with, however, is facing reality. Some of the stories in the book describe severe physical abuse; my physical incident was only once. And while much of the emotional abuse described rings true to my situation on a daily basis, I'm having a tough time admitting that's what's going on. In fact, just this morning I awoke and decided the best thing to do would be to call my husband's former wife and see if her twenty-year marriage consisted of the same sort of mind-boggling, anger-filled abuse tactics. It sure would help me to understand that I'm not crazy. Then again, maybe I am.

Oh hell... this really sucks.

Kicked Out of My Bedroom

It's 4:20 am and I can't sleep. I've been ordered to sleep in the spare bedroom until my husband moves out of our house in two weeks. Initially, the night before, when he laid this on me by ordering me to move out of our bedroom, clothes and all, I refused and told him if he doesn't want to sleep with me then he can sleep in the spare room. He did. But, the dilemma I faced by doing that was setting him off into an angry rage by not complying. So last night, when he angrily told my fifteen-year-old son, who lives with us, that he's filing for separation from me and moving into our other house (which we started remodeling and is in a state of disrepair), and that because I refuse to sleep in the spare room he has to move sooner(poor guy). I conceded and told him I would sleep in the spare room but I am NOT moving my things out of our bedroom for two weeks only to have to move them back when he leaves. The spare room, unlike the master bedroom, has a lock on the door, which is an excellent benefit.

This is really stressful. I have a huge knot in my stomach, am not sleeping well, and can't eat. I can't believe he's doing this, all prompted by the issue at the auto body shop (earlier post). Here's the thing... if I would try to talk with hm and say it's ridiculous he's divorcing me because I didn't make an appointment and "wasted his afternoon" as he contends, he would just say I don't get it and that's the problem. No, I don't get it; I have no clue why he's doing this. Don't normal people explain things to their spouse? Obviously, he's not normal.

He's done this before, and even slept in the spare room for four days once. Is he going to follow through on this divorce and moving out? Or is he, as he suggested once in a session with a couples therapist we saw a few times, waiting for me to come crawling back to him, jump in bed and sexually come on to him (which I absolutely won't do)? He really said last time he was sleeping in the spare room, that I should've done that.

Crazy making behavior from this man.

The Voicemail

                                               

                              

The Auto Body Shop

So, today I decided to go have an auto body shop look at my car and hopefully get started fixing it. I was in a four car pileup last December, car #3, and the insurance company of the lady who started the pileup, car #1, is finally willing to pay for damages. I was given a few shops' names from the insurance and called one to see what they were like. It seemed good so I asked my husband, Mr. Asshole, if he'd go with me today to see about having them fix my car. The shop indicated when I previously called I didn't need an appointment.

So, Mr. Asshole followed me to the shop. Well no, he didn't follow me: he sped in front of me. While he didn't know exactly where I was going, just the general vicinity, my chosen route was obviously not good enough and he had to go his way. Like an idiot, I followed him. At any rate, we got to the shop and went inside. I consulted with a woman who asked if I had an appointment, and I said no; I was told on the phone I didn't need one. She asked about insurance and if I had an assignment sent over, and I said no. Well, Mr. Asshole got really pissed and stormed out of the shop. I thought he was angry at the shop because they couldn't help me right away, but I was wrong; he was pissed I hadn't made an appointment. I followed him to the car (again, my mistake) and he started yelling at me in front of a customer and another person who works in the front office (that person was looking at someone else's car). He was yelling that I wasted his afternoon but since I was there I should just deal with it and have them look at my car. Huh? Isn't that what we went there for? Ah... WTF?

He, Mr. Asshole, got in his car and sped off. So, I got in my car and sped off, whizzing by him while he was stopped at a light. I went to work and got my insurance information with the claim number then returned to the shop, but he probably thought I was going against his command to stay there and take care of the insurance deal.

A few minutes later I got a call from Mr. Asshole, screaming at the top of his lungs how I wasted his afternoon and that I'm so stubborn and he hates that about me, and blah, blah, blah. He was angry, angry, angry and screaming, screaming, screaming. (I'll try to upload the audio clip if I can.) I haven't heard from him since (which is totally cool).

I'm really not certain what set him off or what I did to provoke this. I feel the tide shifting and his anger growing and tension mounting. Fuck. I hate this.

I feel disappointed in myself for marrying an abusive asshole. I feel guilty for subjecting my son to this man's angry outbursts and mean treatment. I feel afraid of the impending anger from him. I feel sad my son and I are living with a person who has us (or me) walking on eggshells.

As much as I say I don't care and how much of an asshole he is, the truth of the matter is I'm sad. My dream of finding a partner with whom I can share life's laughter and tears has turned into a nightmare as I realize I found the wrong partner: a narcissistic abuser.

I feel trapped. I feel scared. I feel overwhelmed.

Today I See a Therapist!

Well, I've finally been able to get an appointment with a therapist who deals in woman's abuse. I'm a little scared about it all, but I know I have to go in a talk with her. I contacted this facility last August when things were really, really bad with my husband and his emotional abuse. It's now the end of January.

The abuse phase is okay right now. He's not blatantly mean or abusive, or outside of the realm I've learned to live with. Oh, there are small incidents that arise, but it's not severe.

 We are remodeling our other home so we can move back in. Last Saturday evening I asked my husband if John, the guy who's helping us and giving advice, knew what he was talking about. The week prior John had told me something about our kitchen cabinets that didn't seem to make sense. Last Saturday he contradicted what he had said the week before. So yes, I was questioning John's abilities. So what. My husband got really, really pissed and asked what I wanted done with the kitchen. I explained it wasn't about what I wanted done with the kitchen, it was about what John was saying and recommending regarding the cabinets. He again pushed in an angry tone asking what I wanted done and telling me I always change my mind and question things (I think he yelled that). I left the room.

I went to the spare bedroom and slipped under the covers. My husband opened the door and started yelling at me (previously he had been yelling at me from downstairs, expecting me to run to him, but I ignored). He yelled and uttered some bullshit crap and said I should apologize, and that's what's wrong with me - I never apologize for things. What the fuck for?  I said, "What? You want me to apologize for questioning whether John knows what he's talking about?" He's out of his fucking mind! Well, he realized that was stupid so then he all of a sudden apologized to me, kissed me and left for his symphony gig.

I swear the man is an emotional midget. Oh, that's besides being controlling, self-centered, narcissistic, and mean.

Wow. Why did I ever marry him? And, why can't I leave?