Saturday, November 26, 2011

Abandonded in Arizona

Okay... so I should've known better than to hitch a ride to AZ with him for Thanksgiving. I really didn't even want to go but he sorta pushed it. He said his friend's wife, Gail, would come over and feed my dogs so it seemed like all was working out. And he wanted to hang out at his brother's awesome, custom home (even though his brother wouldn't be there). And, he offered to drive his Prius over so it would be minimal cost for gas.

Initially, my son didn't want to go because he didn't want to be around him. He HATES him. He then agreed because he wanted to hang out with my sister's daughter, his cousin. Cool.

So, Wednesday morning we, my son and I, drive to his house, park my car, load up his, and off we go to Arizona. The drive over was uneventful, however, he and my son exchanged few, if any words. We stopped for gas and food and my son heard him ask if we, my sister and me, had figured out where to eat Thanksgiving dinner. I told him no, not yet. I could tell he was completely irritated by that. In fact, I could tell his irritation and anger had started brewing a day or two earlier.

Red flag.

My son overheard him ask about Thanksgiving dinner and told me, when he (abuser) was in a store buying a drink that he refused to eat dinner with him and that he's not part of our family and he's going to call him on his shit. I told him we'd talk about it later, after we got to my sister's house.

For the rest of the drive my son stared making comments that called my abuser on his shit, which made me uncomfortable because I knew it would cause more pressure and an eventual outburst. For instance, we first stopped at my abuser's brother's house so he could get the house key from the guard shack, and he almost turned in the wrong entrance to the closed community. My son commented from the back seat that when I did that last year my abuser got really angry at me for nearly taking the wrong turn. Nobody said anything, but my son was completely right. (I had forgotten about that.)

I sent my son a text while were driving and he told me he HATES him and isn't going to put up with my abuser's shit. I then had a premonition of my abuser blowing up, getting angry and leaving us stranded in Arizona. I told myself if he did that I would NEVER talk to him again. I also felt very stressed because I knew it was a very real possibility.

Thanksgiving evening my abuser got angry because my sister and I didn't want to eat at the restaurant we had gone to (buffet didn't look good). He sat in the courtyard outside the restaurant, people milling around, and wouldn't leave. My son went up to him and said, "Where do you get off choosing where we get to eat?" My abuser raged. He started shouting at my son (in public, mind you) that he's nothing but a "dope smoker" and a "prick" and other uncomplimentary verbally abusive things as he was walking toward his car. My son followed him and told him he's an asshole, to which he replied, "Tell my something I don't already know. Find your own way home." He got in his car and sped off.

We all stood there, stunned over what had just happened. I said I knew this was going to happen (due to earlier premonition) and my son asked if I thought it was his fault. I said no, absolutely not. We walked across the street to a steak house and had Thanksgiving dinner there.

Just after getting seated I got a text from my abuser husband that said: "I'm going back home tonight and filing for divorce on Monday. You've lost it, our marriage and any hope for a success [sic] future with Adam."

This is it. I am never talking to that man again.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I know I haven't posted in a while. I've just been focusing on work and delving into new projects. I'd rather do that than think about all this crap.

On April 16 I signed a lease for my own home. I'm supposed to begin paying rent on May 15. I say "supposed to" because the morning I went home after signing the lease my husband suddenly changed his tune and said I should move with him. This was the very first attempt he's made at reconciling after throwing me out of the bedroom over two months earlier. WTF? As soon as I make plans to leave he wants me back.

This is not good.

I want to say that he's been very nice to me since I signed the lease, but in reality he hasn't been nice: the truth is he hasn't been mean to me. Those really are two different things. While I've expressed my intent to move forward with renting the house, I'm struggling with this decision. I believe two things are holding me back: fear and lack of approval from my abuser husband.

I'm afraid of making the wrong decision and that I may move away and regret it when loneliness takes over. In some respects, I wonder if this is as good as it gets, that maybe I should just settle for a man who's emotionally abusive to me and my son because I won't find anything else.

I'm also afraid of being alone. What if I'm overcome with loneliness? What if I don't have anything to do on weekends? What if I sink into depression over this?

I'm also afraid of being single again. I like be married, only I wish it was to someone who respected me and treated me kindly and listened to me.

And I'm afraid of being afraid. What if I am making the wrong decision?

I'm afraid of ending the relationship. My husband has point-blank told me that living in separate houses will cause us to drift apart and that we won't have each other to be accountable to (whatever the hell that means). So, essentially, I'm ending the relationship if I move. I am afraid to do this. I think my fear stems from when my mom ended her marriage with my dad: he killed himself. Yes, he called and asked if he could move home one night and she said no. So, he killed himself. Ick. I don't need that sorta shit on me.

I'm also afraid that if I move he'll find someone else. While I know he's trolled for dates since booting me out of the bedroom in February, I don't believe he's been successful. After all, he's not the youngster he once was. But, if I'll have him so will someone else. He knows how to lay on the charm to win someone over, and I believe he can't exist without having a woman to control, so I can pretty much be assured he'll find someone else.

Need For Approval
When I took my abuser husband to the house this weekend and he said he understood why I want to live there and that he thinks my son and I should move, I felt good knowing he approved. But then I started feeling afraid that he didn't really approve and was just telling me that.

I've been the one to divert decisions to my husband. After all, he's the more "powerful" in the relationship. And, when I've made a decision and it hasn't turned out correctly, he's given me a boatload of shit about it. He blames me for all the bad stuff in our marriage, so of course I'm afraid to make a decision.

So, I'm really in stress right now over what to do. I have a headache from thinking about this. I want to move but am afraid. My head says, "Yes!" but my heart says, "No!"

Friday, March 4, 2011

It's Official - He's Having an Affair

It's not like I'm surprised or anything, or that I even didn't suspect it, or that it even matters at this point. My abuser husband is so disgusting to me right now, I hope I never see his lying, cheating, fake face again.

Per my earlier post... last night when my husband was out until 4:15am I decided, just for the hell of it, to take inventory of his blue pills. There is no better evidence than that. So, this evening when I got home from work he was gone, but I noticed he had taken a shower and I could smell cologne in the air. I counted his blue pills: 1 is missing.

I know who he's seeing too, a female jazz violinist, whom he claims is an awful musician. Perfect match for him! At any rate, after I noticed the missing blue pill I called the girl's cell and didn't say anything; just blank air. Of course, since my husband is with her, I got a text from him soon after asking that I leave a copy of the automobile insurance policy for him to review so he can compare to the quote to what I paid (I told him to get his own insurance, that I'm not renewing with him or his four cars). He then said thanks. I texted back saying, "Please bring back the Viagra you took out with you tonight. Thanks." He didn't respond.

How did I ever think I could change his man? I was really, really dreaming that he would have the courage and insight to look inside himself, take an honest inventory, and be a partner. Instead, he's taken my soul, tossed it around his for his pleasure or pain, then cast me aside when I failed to conform to his absurd whims.

The man is narcissistic and abusive. I'm sorry I ever gave him my heart.

I'm actually doing okay. In some respects, I'm happy this nightmare is nearly over. In other respects, I'm still afraid. We still live in the same house.

God... please protect me and my son, and show us a safe, warm and affordable place to move.

Splitting the Furniture

Living Room
Couch -- J
Table -- J
TV -- J
Stereo --J
Dining Room
Table -- J
Sideboard -- J
Small table –A
Stools -- J
table --A
stools – J (?)
dishes/pots/pans – A & J
Washer --A
Dryer –A
desk and chair –J
small file – J
other small file – A
couch -- A
Master Bedroom
Bed --J
Nightstand 1 -- J
Nightstand 2 -- A
TV and cabinet --A
Dresser (large) --A
Dresser (small) -- J
Other cabinet -- J
Second bedroom
Queen Bed --A
Piano -- J
Bookshelf -- A
Dresser -- A
Third Bedroom
All goes to A

Out Until 4:15 am

So last night my husband rolled in at 4:15 am. He's never stayed out that late and honestly, I think it's a bit bizarre for a man of his near-retirement age. I barely slept last night, wondering if and when he'd come home.

Yes, we are in separate bedrooms and yes, we've agreed to separate, but I wonder how he would react to me staying out that late. I'll bet his classic double standards would kick in and I'd be verbally and emotionally abused (and perhaps even physically abused) if I did.

I'm attempting to take the high road and use last night's outing to help ease my transition out of my hellish, married life and into the freedom of being single.

Is he staying out all night?

It's 1:11 am and my husband isn't home. He's never stayed out this late, or rarely. It is beginning to confirm my suspicions he has another woman/girl he's seeing. He does have a history of cheating, even with me, and this would explain his recent actions toward me.

I guess I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me. The only purpose this serves is to make it easier to move on and separate. What a dishonest, slimy asshole.

I've been temped to break into his emails since his February 11th outburst, but have held back. While a part of me, the desperately driven part of me, wants to know for sure about his infidelity, the other, more rational and centered part of me, says it's not worth the energy. My intuition and experience already tell me what's up, verified by him not being home tonight.

I pray for God to bring loving and kind people into my life.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Core Values and Incompatibility

I realized this morning when I woke up why my abuser husband and I are incompatible. His core relationship values are driven by power and control, which he obtains through fear and intimidation. My core relationship values are driven by equity and partnership, which I obtain through discussion and compromise.

So, we are both unhappy in this relationship. He wants all the power and takes advantage of my willingness to compromise. I want to talk and come to equitable terms but can only do so on HIS whims, and even then it’s not equitable.

My eyes are opening…