My fifteen-year-old son is sleeping at a friend's house tonight, which means I'll be home alone with my silent-treatment, intimidating, abusive husband, or soon-to-be x-husband. I am NOT looking forward to heading home.
I've been hanging out at work all day, all alone. This place is deserted, closed for the holiday weekend. I've called a few girlfriends to see if they want to meet for a drink but nobody has gotten back to me. I feel so alone, so stripped of my strength and vigor.
I don't know if I can live like this, a single woman. I feel lost. Maybe I should crawl back and grovel to my abuser, beg his forgiveness for the indiscretions I've committed against him. No matter it's still a mystery to me what sins I've committed to provoke and induce his anger and abuse, but perhaps the begging would alleviate my current emotional pain by getting him to like me again, if only for a while.
I know this is ridiculous, the thought of begging my abuser to take me back. But my pain and loneliness isn't ridiculous; I'm feeling desperate and looking for relief. I hope I find it soon.
UPDATE: a girlfriend just called and we're getting together soon. No begging tonight...
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